#1 First Try

So I sit and write. Force the words and listen to the sounds around me. There are birds singing out there but I don't care about their song and I want to write it out, everything. I'm excited for something new something different I feel I found hope and gave hope to myself and I feel strong because long ago I am the only one who was able to give hope to myself. 
I am strong by myself. 
At least for now.

I'm here in a room sitting and this room is new for me and I don't like new things but I know I'm gonna be okay with it. I had to leave my old room and flat because my stepfather is an alcoholic and was aggressive and tried to hit me. I don't care about the memories right now and they can't hurt me anymore or at least not now. I care about my new home and new life and new hope and I want him to be okay, to find peace and to find and take help so he will be able to raise his daughter who's my stepsister and only 11 years old. 

Tibbareht Wollof - Day 1 "First try"

She has seen too much bullshit and fighting and she cried enough so my grandmother my sister and I moved out from our old home after I came back to the city and now we live in one fucking room, the three of us in one goddamn room. I stay up late every night 'cause I can't sleep well and wake up very early 'cause my grandmother wakes up early and makes noises. I'm tired all day and get more and more tired because I don't sleep enough.

I'm happy to live without always being afraid of my alcoholic stepfather but I miss being alone. I used to be alone a lot because I can't stand people around me for long, not even my friends and family. If  I get too much of people I start to be angry and frustrated and feel horrible and become angry with them for no reason and start to shout and rage. Now there's not much time alone for me and I try to control myself harder than I ever did before. 

We don't have much money and I'm trying to find a job so I can help more here at home and I can finally go to a doctor because I feel very very ill nowadays physically, mentally, psychically. Formerly I used to go to psychotherapy but it never helped because I was scared to be honest and I didn't take it seriously because the idea of talking to someone scared me and the idea of facing myself and my problems and my faults and my whole life scared the shit out of me and I didn't know how to change and I never really believed that I can change and I never really believed taking help is an option for me.

I'm sitting here and writing and trying to create a system for myself that I can stay inside and keep myself into until I find a job and ask for help. Writing helps me not to go crazy and helps me take control of my anger and take control of myself. Writing helps me to see clearly who I am, not right now because now it's pure chaos but when I read it back once I will know how it felt to write it down and what I felt while writing and it will be easier to connect the pieces of this puzzle called my personality.

I really hope I can do this every day. I will force myself to do it. I will try.