Daily Borderline

I got angry so many times today and the last day that now I don't know anymore if my anger is intentionally created or real. The Monster woke up and it's strong and hungry and eats up everything that it finds. It eats up hope and leaves hopelessness instead, it eats up smile and leaves tears instead, it eats up conversations and leaves fights instead, it eats up music and leaves noise instead, it eats up all my good and positive thoughts and leaves doubts and fears and hate and pain and self-abandonment instead. Art by Justell Vonk People use to tell that cliche that happiness is a choice, it's your decision to be happy. I almost hate them as much as I hate people who tell that being attracted to someone is a choice and gay people choose to be gay. That's a bullshit. No one on this fucking planet chooses to be lonely and abandoned and hated and despised and tortured. They fight against who they are and maybe, just maybe once in life they will stop fighting again...

I try to focus on things I like. I think about simple things. Simple things make me feel comfortable, simple small and everyday things make me bear harder things. I try to think about small things that make me feel better, that make feel better. I start to write a list. Strawberry. Strong sour Chinese soup. Buying something to my sister, seeing her face when giving it to her. Series. Music. Books. Chocolate. Arts. Crafting. Money I make by selling things I crafted. Notebooks. Writing. Forests. Walking in the silence. Simple and functional clothes. Calmness. A beer after a good dinner. Coffee with cigarettes. Cheese. Rules. Systems. Breaking the rules. Breaking the systems. Creating. Destroying. Beauty. A good sleep. Learning. Exploring. Observing. The worlds come easily they are simple and fast and running into my head and running out of it. They come from the inside they were under my skin my bones into my cells they are my essentials they are natural...

"In my fields of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I lie inside myself forever And watch my purple sky fly over me" I've changed that line for a reason. It feels like forever. I know exactly what I should do. I know the mechanism of making good things instead of bad things I'm just too weak to actually do it I guess. It sounds like the Twelve Steps and AA lines but I really found out what it works like. I know I have to make decisions every day and every hour and every minute and second, I know these are single decisions and not connected to each other. If I make a good decision I've done well but it doesn't matter anymore. I have to prepare for the other one and the other one and all the single decisions. I have to be sharp and mindful and aware because I can fail any time. Simple steps. One at once. Concentrating always on one thing. Always, the next step only. I know how it works. First step: Decide to go. Next one: Wash your teeth. Next...

I have one hour left. Right now I don't feel like going out. No. No no no no no fucking no please no please let me stay. Please let me stay at home in my bed in my mind please let me, please. My stomach hurts and burns burns burns, I burn. I want to cry I want to beg I want to stay. They will hate me they will treat me as I deserve to be treated I'm a liar and I'm not any one's friend and I don't care about the others I only care about myself. They won't understand no no no they won't understand any of my words they won't believe me they won't believe I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel so, so sick. Bob the BPD Bird from Pinterest I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling sick and I'm tired of being tired. Now I feel like I want to drink, drink, drink and forget, just drink and forget, let me die under the clear clear starry sky, let me die because I want to drink and I want to forget. I want to forget my past and my present a...

I lie on my bed and the room is full because all the three of us are here. I'm angry again and I want to smoke but I smoked too much and my lounge already burns. My sister sits at the table acts like she learns but she watches TV instead and I get angrier every second. My grandmother asks me what to eat for dinner and what to eat tomorrow and I try to answer but I can't concentrate I don't want to eat I'm not hungry I'm fucked up. I know I have to be grateful because someone asks me what I want to eat but now I don't want anyone to speak to me and I feel bad and dark and gross and I feel hatred. I feel them in my stomach and in the back of my head running down my spine reaching every bone crawling under my skin. I feel them in my throat and mouth, too. I have 4 hours left and I need to go out with my best friend and some of our buddies. I feel like I look horrible and my stomach is bad and I feel like I don't want to leave this room and can't leave t...

So I sit and write. Force the words and listen to the sounds around me. There are birds singing out there but I don't care about their song and I want to write it out, everything. I'm excited for something new something different I feel I found hope and gave hope to myself and I feel strong because long ago I am the only one who was able to give hope to myself.  I am strong by myself.  At least for now. I'm here in a room sitting and this room is new for me and I don't like new things but I know I'm gonna be okay with it. I had to leave my old room and flat because my stepfather is an alcoholic and was aggressive and tried to hit me. I don't care about the memories right now and they can't hurt me anymore or at least not now. I care about my new home and new life and new hope and I want him to be okay, to find peace and to find and take help so he will be able to raise his daughter who's my stepsister and only 11 years old.  Tibbareht Wollof - D...