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#2 Go Out

I lie on my bed and the room is full because all the three of us are here. I'm angry again and I want to smoke but I smoked too much and my lounge already burns. My sister sits at the table acts like she learns but she watches TV instead and I get angrier every second. My grandmother asks me what to eat for dinner and what to eat tomorrow and I try to answer but I can't concentrate I don't want to eat I'm not hungry I'm fucked up.
I know I have to be grateful because someone asks me what I want to eat but now I don't want anyone to speak to me and I feel bad and dark and gross and I feel hatred.

 I feel them in my stomach and in the back of my head running down my spine reaching every bone crawling under my skin. I feel them in my throat and mouth, too.
I have 4 hours left and I need to go out with my best friend and some of our buddies. I feel like I look horrible and my stomach is bad and I feel like I don't want to leave this room and can't leave this room even if I want to be as far from here right now as possible. I feel weak and tired and worthless and I have no money and I don't want wine to be around me I don't want to drink and smoke and talk but I know I will.

 I want to see those people but not tonight, however, I know I'd say the same thing every day.
I told them I'm okay with going out because at the moment it felt okay but now I'm absolutely not okay with it, I don't want anyone to see me or talk to me. I want to be there talk to them tell stories and laugh with them but not now, not tonight, I can't go, I can't, I can't.

 I always do this I promise something and then I change my mind because my feelings change minute to minute and I don't know which feeling is real and which isn't. I don't know which one stays and which one goes away.
Anyway I decided to force myself into the situation and I'll go out tonight. I made a promise so I have to do it, I broke my promise too many times and I want to keep as much as I can.
I was thinking and I don't want to look good and wear nice clothes but I know I won't feel comfortable in my comfortable clothes. I was thinking and I want to be honest but at the moment someone asks me if I'm okay I will lie I am.
I will fake smiling and fake talking. I will fake my expressions, I will use those ones I've learned from movies and series and books. I will wear my mask no matter how much I want people to see the real me. No matter how much I want to see my real face. No matter how much it matters what I show or how much it doesn't. I will play and I will do it well. I will act and it is going to hurt but being real hurts more. Acting is simple and easy you have rules and phrases and you know how to react and what to answer. I couldn't do it by myself. I couldn't. I'm fucked up.
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