"In my fields of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself forever
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
I've changed that line for a reason. It feels like forever. I know exactly what I should do. I know the mechanism of making good things instead of bad things I'm just too weak to actually do it I guess. It sounds like the Twelve Steps and AA lines but I really found out what it works like. I know I have to make decisions every day and every hour and every minute and second, I know these are single decisions and not connected to each other. If I make a good decision I've done well but it doesn't matter anymore. I have to prepare for the other one and the other one and all the single decisions. I have to be sharp and mindful and aware because I can fail any time.
Simple steps. One at once. Concentrating always on one thing. Always, the next step only. I know how it works.
First step: Decide to go.
Next one: Wash your teeth.
Next one: Wash your face.
Next one: Get dressed.
Next one: Pack the things you'll need.
Next one: Step into your shoes.
Next one: Go out the front door.
Next one: Close the door behind you.
Next one: Get downstairs.
Next one: Go out the main door.
Next one: Take a step.
Next one: Take a step.
Next one: Take hundred more steps.
Next one: Take the tram.
Next one: Sit down.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Get off the tram.
Next one: Meet them.
Next one: Talk.
Next one: Smile.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: It's okay.
Next one: It's okay.
Next one: It's okay.
I read my list. It is simple. Simple steps, more than twelve but they are simple. Anyone can complete them. Anyone except me. Most of the time I fail while doing the first step but sure I won't be able to do more than the first three or four steps. That's why I said it doesn't matter how many steps I've done already I have to concentrate to the next one. Too much decisions to make. Tire me. I'm tired. I look at my list and I'm tired.
I'm weak. I'm sorry. I can't pack my things and step into shoes because it's too hard and tiring. You mean a lot to me but I can't go out the front door for you and I won't close it behind myself and you ask too much if you ask me to go downstairs. Yes, you are my friend but don't ask me to take a step. I love you but I won't take a fucking step. I'd like to meet you but you can be sure as hell I won't take hundred more fucking steps to meet you. I care about you but I'm not going to take the tram. You can count on me but I can't sit down. I can't I can't I can't I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up. I'm sorry.
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself forever
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
I've changed that line for a reason. It feels like forever. I know exactly what I should do. I know the mechanism of making good things instead of bad things I'm just too weak to actually do it I guess. It sounds like the Twelve Steps and AA lines but I really found out what it works like. I know I have to make decisions every day and every hour and every minute and second, I know these are single decisions and not connected to each other. If I make a good decision I've done well but it doesn't matter anymore. I have to prepare for the other one and the other one and all the single decisions. I have to be sharp and mindful and aware because I can fail any time.
Simple steps. One at once. Concentrating always on one thing. Always, the next step only. I know how it works.
First step: Decide to go.
Next one: Wash your teeth.
Next one: Wash your face.
Next one: Get dressed.
Next one: Pack the things you'll need.
Next one: Step into your shoes.
Next one: Go out the front door.
Next one: Close the door behind you.
Next one: Get downstairs.
Next one: Go out the main door.
Next one: Take a step.
Next one: Take a step.
Next one: Take hundred more steps.
Next one: Take the tram.
Next one: Sit down.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Get off the tram.
Next one: Meet them.
Next one: Talk.
Next one: Smile.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: Hold on.
Next one: It's okay.
Next one: It's okay.
Next one: It's okay.
I read my list. It is simple. Simple steps, more than twelve but they are simple. Anyone can complete them. Anyone except me. Most of the time I fail while doing the first step but sure I won't be able to do more than the first three or four steps. That's why I said it doesn't matter how many steps I've done already I have to concentrate to the next one. Too much decisions to make. Tire me. I'm tired. I look at my list and I'm tired.
I'm weak. I'm sorry. I can't pack my things and step into shoes because it's too hard and tiring. You mean a lot to me but I can't go out the front door for you and I won't close it behind myself and you ask too much if you ask me to go downstairs. Yes, you are my friend but don't ask me to take a step. I love you but I won't take a fucking step. I'd like to meet you but you can be sure as hell I won't take hundred more fucking steps to meet you. I care about you but I'm not going to take the tram. You can count on me but I can't sit down. I can't I can't I can't I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up. I'm sorry.
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