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#7 Lone Time

I'm alone. Finally the flat is empty. Being alone always causes the following questions: Do I want to kill myself? The answer comes: No. No. No. Don't. I wait til the next one. My brain says no again. I ask again: Do I want to die? The answer comes: No. I ask again: Do I want to exist? The answer comes: No.
Always the same questions, always the same answers. I'm okay with them. By now I will be okay. I will stay alive. I don't know how long will I give the same answers but it worked for the last 8 years and if I don't answer with a yes for the first two questions I know I will  be okay.

I ask again: Do I want to drink?
I don't know.
Will I do it?
I don't know.

Do I want to cut myself?
Yes.
Will I do it?
I don't know.

Do I want to destroy?
Yes.
Will I do it?
I don't know.

Do I want to cry?
I don't know?
Will I do it?

I cry. I cry because of being alone left alone with my thoughts with this mind with all  of my angers and my Monster and this brain, this sick and disabled and infected brain. This uncontrolled brain of a 5-year-old closed in a 21-year-old body. This crying child left alone with all the bad memories of the past and with all the love that is gone by now and is far, far away. 

I feel like there's no point of my being. I feel like I never will be able to get a normal life and I will never grow up. Only my body gets older my mind stays the crying and abandoned child shouting for it's parents stop fighting, you ruin everything please stop fighting. They still are fighting in me they always will. I always will fight with myself. 

Yesterday was a good one. It felt like I'm God. I felt like I have the whole world in my hands no one can take it away from me. I felt like the job I applied is going to be an easy ride, I will fascinate them at the interview and they will celebrate me and my family will be proud of me and I will be like a fucking hero for getting this job.

Today I woke up like I'm ridiculous and I won't finish my presentation for the deadline and I will act awkward and I will be ashamed and I will be just another disappointment for all my family members and they will handle me as a child which I know I am. But every time someone makes me remember how infantile I am I get angry and I start to shout. 

I feel like I shout trough my whole life and I'm tired of shouting. I want to tell them I'm sorry, so sorry for being like this. So sorry for not being able to go to the university like my friends do. I'm so sorry I can't get a job because I'm unable to behave like a normal human being. So sorry for being this lazy, unavailing, hopeless and worthless person. So sorry you have to deal with me and suffer from me every day. So sorry that I'm taking your time and energy and money and giving anger and pain and thousands of problems instead.
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